Posted on 21 April 2010 by Ali George
Ali George is a fragrant young person with willowy elbows and ebullient ankles that occasionally get her into trouble with passing Victorians. As a recent graduate in a terrible recession, she endeavours to make herself useful by spending her days teaching young offenders skills to enable them to contribute more than thoughtless stabbings to society – knitting, jam making, cartography and so on. One day she would like to write or draw pictures with speech bubbles on for a living, but seeing as these are the wispy dreams of a ttl n00b she’ll most likely be an embittered civil servant instead.
A few minutes ago, Scotland declared war on Iceland, The Chutney Exhibition can exclusively reveal. Ordinarily we don’t waste our time on news reporting, but this seemed like too good an opportunity to waste.
"What have Iceland ever done for the world," asked the campaign leader, the now-famous 'I hate Iceland' guy (27) off Sky News. “In all seriousness, what have they done?
"Frozen mac cheese? For a pound? That’s nae use. I hate frozen mac cheese. Too cauld. And what else? Kerry fuckin' Katona sellin' her story to anyone who’ll listen cause she’s no on their payroll anymair? Fuck off."
Billions of internet users are under the impression that the I Hate Iceland Guy was a victim of the volcanic eruption on Iceland the place, intent on travel by plane during the time everything was grounded. On the face of it, this is a natural assumption. After all, he was hanging around an airport.
But Chutney goes deeper than the surface. For instance, on closer inspection of the famous video, we noticed he was a little bit drunk. Fair enough when on holiday, you might think. But a glance at the clock shows that it was 8.45 in the morning – an absurd time to start your drinking day.
Some might think behaviour ordinary for Scottish people at an airport, and those people would be racists. Chutney raises an eyebrow of scorn at anybody perpetuating such stereotypes.
Several weeks ago, the young man consumed some prawns from his local branch of the frozen food boutique upon which he vents his displeasure. He went on to suffer a series of frightening hallucinations that culminated in his strangling what he thought was his cat. It turned out to be a toy belonging to his infant daughter, but the psychological distress that he suffered was all too real. Now he is not allowed to see his own child, Jamelia-Jane, without supervision.
Since February 2010 the I Hate Iceland Guy has been campaigning to tell the world of his experiences. However, sources close to him told Chutney he is by nature quite shy and retiring, so he requires a measure of Dutch Courage before he feels comfortable approaching strangers with his lessons.
"Unfortunately, he cannae really hold his drink," a friend said, "so he forgets the bulk of the message – y'know, why he hates Iceland. All he normally gets out is the 'I hate it' part and folk go away confused. Or thinking he’s an arse."
However, the campaign does boast twelve followers on its Bebo page, all of whom are dedicated to spreading the word.
"U R well fit," posts LooseyLube1993 in support of the cause, whilst Heston<3Nitrogen writes, "I fully support you. We will stand together when the frozen-food revolution comes."